By William A. Peniston, Nancy Erber
Read or Download Queer Lives: Men's Autobiographies from Nineteenth-Century France PDF
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Extra info for Queer Lives: Men's Autobiographies from Nineteenth-Century France
Sample text
By loving them too much, these men no longer love them at all. Sexual desire turns into breathless admiration, and contemplation takes the place of lustful thoughts. By seeing those beings, who should give them joy, as creatures like angels, these men eventually stop desiring such pleasure. Their hearts reject the feelings that quiver there, and they stifle their heartbeats, as a bird handler holds back the frantic beating of the wings of a bird that he imprisons in his hands. If circumstances like these can affect young men who were raised in the usual way and who are capable of meeting the demands of even the most passionate woman in their amorous relations, how must they influence and paralyze the will of an adolescent, who would need all his wits in order to conquer his shyness and who, above and beyond that, finds himself completely helpless.
My passionate nature, already guilty and corrupt, didn’t make me reject these propositions that would ensure my moral perdition, even if the sexual favors they entailed might lead me to a premature end. Once M—— had revealed all this to me, he was determined to go to my parents that very day to ask permission to complete my education, so to speak. That was certainly the word for it! I was thrilled by all the splendors that he had described to me, and my innate vanity, as well as my passionate nature, was already yearning to experience the overwhelming pleasures that he had sketched out for me.
I don’t need to add that this balm for my spirit acted just like oil tossed on a blazing fire. I became more and more rotten. My life was a kind of intoxication . . When I was alone, I’d sing at the top of my lungs, because only one thing — only one desire — burned inside of me, and that was to sing professionally in a café-concert. It seemed to me that I’d be happy then. I was already familiar with the prestige held by the stage, and a few more steps in the wrong direction might bring me a measure of success.
